When I turned 30 I felt the weight of responsibility bearing down on my shoulders. "I am a MAN now!" I said to myself, not knowing exactly what the fuck that meant. I never had a steady model of what a "man" was, what a "man" acted like, or even how a "man" conducted himself in polite society. 30 felt like opening a gift from your deranged Aunt Bertha. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this!?!"
I just woke up one day feeling a societal pressure to participate. An awareness that I was a cog of a greater whole and that I should be a productive member of the group. Nobody came to me and said "Hey! Jackass! You're not doing enough!" It was that whisper of a voice inside my own head that said that.
By 30 I was running six restaurants for the same company I had been working for since 19. I was a very productive member of my company. I had received awards and recognition for the shit I had accomplished. But deep inside it wasn't enough. I was bored. I felt like I had climbed that mountain and stuck my flag in it so what else was there to do? Beat my previous best, you say? YAWN! I have always been the type that unless I REEEEAAALLLY enjoyed the movie/book/game/puzzle/tv show/whathaveyou, once I finished it, I was D.U.N.= done!
Now almost 7 years have past since my "awakening". I left that company that raised me from a insolent pup. My wife and I ran our own franchised hippie-dippie icecream shop for 3-4 years. That closed(expect a whole lot more on that later). And I find myself working for the same company that hired me and trained me at 19. OH! And I filed for and was discharged from a bankruptcy(think icecream) and I moved the other side of the country and back in six months! WHEEEE!!!
HOLY HELL! I'M CONFLICTED AND FEELIN' LIKE A WHINEY LITTLE BITCH!
I have discovered in the process of all this shit going on that I'm not really a big fan of ME! Yeah, I said it. I'm an asshole. Not the cool "Dennis Leary" kind either. I'm the self-centered, self-loathing, egotistical kind. The kind where I know better than to be doing the shit that I've done but for some self-sabotaging reason I can't GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY OWN WAY! I would like to care more about what happens in other people's lives but... I just don't have time for all that. People have to make an effort to get to know me. Sucks to be them. I have always just compartmentalized the loneliness. I figure I'll have more than enough tumors to keep me company in the coming years. Yep... just me and my tumors... sitting there... acting like: "Naw, man. We're cool. Yeah, I understand I was kinda a dick to you and that's the reason why you're not visiting me on my death-bed. I got it. S'ok." (FACESLAP) I seriously can't be that retarded!?! Oh no... I'm even more so.
So almost 7 years and here I sit. Thinking the same thoughts and feeling the same feelings I did when I became a "man". I thought I was on the right path with our icecream shop. It felt "right". It just didn't make money. I LOOOOVED that place. Of course there were days where I just didn't want to be there. Those were usually Mondays and Tuesdays. Not a whole lotta 'scream getting sold on Monday's and Tuesday's.
I felt like I was contributing. I started earning recognition from my community and hearing comments about how that was such a wonderful thing we did for SoandSo Elementary. It was fun work too. It was fuckin' icecream! What kind of cranky, sourpuss, fucker isn't happy eating icecream!?! But! Bad projections mixed with bad lease added to the bottom falling out of the housing market/economy and not to even mention gas hitting $4 a gallon= Bye-Bye Icecream Shop!
I left that original company because I wanted to OWN my own business. I did. It was great. Now I'm back in some middle-management position struggling to do the things I was an expert at 10 years ago and embarrassed as hell at my own performance of a job I used to be able to do in my sleep. I'm struggling and its pissing me off!
The name of my Blog is called Maelstrom. Its a badge of honor that's been earned. I am Jack's existential chemical burn.
First fucking follower!!! Yesssss...I'm so full of win.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see you decided to join the narcissistic rant fest that is the blogosphere. It can be very thereapeutic, even if no one reads your shite.
I get this post. It sucks hairy ass to feel like you're traveling forward through time, yet backward through life. Don't beat yourself up too badly. My husband is quick to remind me that the person who places the most expectations on myself is ME! I can't give you any answers, cuz I still haven't figured out wtmf I'm supposed to be doing with myself and this supposed grand puropse that we are all created for. Maybe I fulfilled mine already and the universe is just waiting to kill me off. Maybe I'll never figure it out. Maybe I'm just fooling myself into hoping that life actually MEANS some fucking thing in the first place.
I just spent hours yesterday spraying every motherfucking weed in my yard and wishing a swift and permanent death on all of them...but now I wonder why? Why am I so hell bent on killing these living, breathing things? The only answer I can think of is that I have been conditioned to think that they are of no significance or importance in life. They are ugly, they have no care about what they infiltrate, they just do what they are here to do...grow. They don't know anything else. They just do thier thang. I killed them anyway.
My point is...well, fuck. I don't know.
At least you're not a weed?
xoxo
E