Cade's Cove is really quite gorgeous. Its a big loop road with old log cabins that were built in the mid 1800's. There are a couple of churches with graveyards on the loop that add a somber tone. Gravestones dated with death dates during the Civil War. There is a very old mill that still grinds corn and flour to this day. The majority of the loop circles around a big meadow. On the edges are the legs of the mountains. We went during the second week of November. Fall was in full swing. Everything was a breathtaking mix of green, orange, red, brown, and yellows. The air was crisp. I stared out of the window with the lyrics to Guaranteed ringing in my head.
There are songs, melodies, and lyrics that can move me to tears. I find myself wrapped up in the journey the artist intended to take us on. I don't sob but my voice will crack as I try to sing along or a tear or two will escape the corner of my eye. With all the internal and external pressures that had been building up leading us to the taking of this trip and then onto this road with all of Mother Nature's Fall Glory in full swing, I was more than just a little emotional. I wanted O.U.T.= OUT!
I wanted out of the rat race. Out of the path of unending ambition. I wanted out of chasing a dream that maybe wasn't the right dream. Out of responsibility. I just wanted OUT!
"Don't come closer or I'll have to go."
I have never considered myself a "people" person. Too many interactions with people leave me feeling drained and spent. I also don't let a whole lot of people get too close. I've said before that I tend to make it a bit of a chore to get to know me. I am not easy and I don't make it easy to get to know me.
I think most of that comes down to expectations. I don't want to expect something and then it not happen. I also don't want people to have expectations of me. I don't want to let people down as much as I don't want to be let down.
I have a bit of a lonely outlook on life, death, and all that's between. I believe that life is a solitary experience.You are born alone, you die alone. There is no one in my head but me.(reminds me of the Pink Floyd song Brain Damage line: "There's someone in my head but its not me") I'm left alone with all the thoughts swirling through my brain as I lay down to sleep every night. There is only me in those moments. I believe this is the same for everyone.
"Holding me like gravity are places that pull."
I was very lucky to have awesome grandparents. When I was a small boy they took me with them when they motored around the country, twice. I've been to 46 of the 50 states. I've been to most of the major National Parks. Yellowstone, Yosemite, Sequoia, Grand Canyon, Crater Lake, Joshua Tree, Saguaro, Rocky Mountain, Badlands, Mount Rushmore, Bryce, Zion, Arches, and many others. They were VERY "Get out and see the world!" kind of people. I've flipped through their globe-trotting photo albums many, many, many times. They helped instill a wanderlust in me since a young age.
Since my Peak Experience in September 2005 my heart aches to be where the wild places are. To be where time stands still and "I" disappear. Not me, just "I".
That's what hit me full force while riding in the car. I broke down and sobbed. I had made bad choices. Bad decisions. I spent a SHIT-LOAD of money on a failure-bound ice cream shop. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop it circling the drain. All of my strength. All of my will. All of my knowledge. All of my skills. And there wasn't a fucking thing I could do about it... except watch and wait. I MADE A MISTAKE!!! And it was going to cost me... ALL of my material possessions, I decided in that instant, I was willing to give up. I wanted none of it. Whoever could come and take whatever they wanted. They could take everything but they couldn't take me or my wife. They can have it. I was beginning to choose a different path for my life.
CLARIFICATION: When I say stuff like "my life" you should read/hear "our life". All of the things that I discuss here... I was the second person to come to these realizations. My lovely, wonderful, and BRILLIANTLY intelligent wife had already come to these conclusions. MONTHS BEFORE. Which is why we had such horrible arguments. She was trying to steer me clear of the icebergs before I hit one head on. I refused to listen to warnings and went full steam ahead into the biggest ice field I could find. I'm just sort of dumb that way. I was the insolent child throwing temper tantrums because I couldn't see what she saw. I was late to the party.
"If ever there were someone to keep me at home, it would be you."
She is my Sunshine. I worship the ground she walks on. I would follow her into Hell knowing she would never take me there. We choose to share our paths through life. I can't wait to see where this path leads...
"Everyone I come across in cages they bought."
What we own eventually owns us. I was a slave to an icecream shop. I wasn't getting paid. I only took one $500 check in the three years we owned the shop. I never cashed it because I couldn't afford to. Three years of operation x 50 hours per week divided into $500 = $0.06 per hour... that I never cashed. What a bargain.
I was a slave to a 2600 square foot house with a bonus room filled with a custom built pool table, a full coin-operated style airhockey table, full coin-operated-style dartboard, autographed football memorabilia, and tons of other valuable worthless crap. The house was on 1.57 acres with a pool too. It was a very pretty and comfy cage. Palmetto scrub outside each of the windows. We once had a wild sow and her piglets come through the yard. The dogs went apeshit.
That's not including the house we owned and we were renting to friends. That also doesn't include 6 pieces of vacant land we owned that all had mortgage payments. The cherry on top was a car payment.
Eventually all of this stuff had to get paid for but we had no money. Soooooo...yeah.
"They think of me and my wandering but I'm never what they thought"
This line speaks greatly about the main character from the movie. The movie is based on real life events of a young man named Christopher McCandless aka Alexander Supertramp. A strong-minded and bull-headed young man that decided to throw off the shackles of society and head off on a Thoreauvian adventure. After many years of traveling it ended badly for him in Alaska. Good movie, good book.
"I've got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts. I'm alive."
Indignation = righteous anger. Yep. Got way more than my fair share of "righteous anger". I'd say I've been angry for most my life. Life dealt me some whoppers and I think it left me with a shitty taste in my mouth. I've had to work or fight for everything I've gotten. Again, I'm not the easiest to get along with. I've made more than a few people miserable just from coming into close proximity. But here's the real kicker: I don't think I've done anything wrong. That's not to say I haven't made mistakes...OH! I've made some HUUUUGE mistakes. I've apologized for unwittingly hurting someone. I'll always be the first to apologize for a screwup I've made. My wife thinks I go a little heavy in to apologies. I don't have any issues with falling on a sword. I think its honorable.
Its the stuff I've done on purpose that gets me a front row seat in Hell. If I don't like someone or I feel disrespected in anyway, you better clear the room. Working in restaurants my whole life has put me in touch with the dregs and elites of our culture. I've interviewed, hired, trained, (and later regretted doing those things) some of the absolute stupidest fuckers that were ever shat out of a womb and some of the smartest most brilliant people I will ever meet or share time with.
I've made people cry. I've made them shake with rage. I've sent them into shame spirals and given them anxiety/panic attacks. And when they ask me if I think I'm God, my only response... "YES! I am God and Master of everything and everybody that is inside the four walls of my restaurant! I am the Alpha and Omega in this building!" When I answer the question like that one of two things happens. Either they shut up and do the job I hired them to do or they quit. Either way I win. Either way my customers win. I'm not sure I see a problem with that. My employees will either LOVE and ADORE me or they LOATHE me. Either way I win again. The ones that love me will stay and be loyal, trustworthy, knowledgeable, self-sufficient, and self-managing. The ones that hate me don't hang out long. I test people to see which way they'll go. I challenge them in unconventional ways. Some might call it hounding or pestering. I choose to call it testing. Like the guy from that famous book. You either need to be hot or cold. If you're just lukewarm...you're out!
I was feeling pretty indignant on our trip. Indignant and sad. Those two are never very far apart for me.
I was angry about our circumstances. But driving through the forest with all of its splendor. The crisp fall air rushing through the open window. The remnants of homes and dwellings of people that lived in this beautiful place 150 years ago before "modern age" crept in. I felt alive. I wanted to ride on top of the car so my view would be unobstructed. I wanted to gather a few belongings like shirts, pants, clean underwear, and wander into the forest and mountains in search of an adventure and in search of me and who I wanted to be when I grew up. If I ever grew up...
THE THRILLING CONCLUSION NEXT!
