The Leap

On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breathe...

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeares
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed


Quite literally this song changed my life.


I had heard the song and thought it was beautiful and poetic. I saw the movie "Into the Wild" that this song is a part of the soundtrack. I left the theater thinking "What an IDIOT! This kid deserved everything he got for being such a reckless dumbass!" That was a different me then the me that sits here typing this out.


It was November of 2007. I had just gone through the excruciating experience of laying off a friend. She was a hard worker and passionate about our hippy-dippie icecream shop. My wife an I had several harsh arguments about the status of our shop, its financial health, and its sustainability. All of these arguments ended badly with hurt feelings on every side. The point of the arguments was: we MUST make a change and we MUST do it NOW to have any possible chance of our shop surviving past a few more months. We had to let someone go. It had to be her, our friend of 9 years.


I broke the news to her. She broke down. She told me that I had to tell her husband. A man I worked with at my previous company. I considered him a friend as well. We hung out, went fishing, I went and watched him race cars at the local speedway. I watched their daughter grow up. Telling him that I had to make this call and that this was the way it had to go down SUCKED! The friendships were over.


This was one of the most stressful periods of my life. I was emotionally and mentally drained. I was questioning the point of everything. What was the point of owning a business if you couldn't share in the opportunities? What was the point of going through all of this aggravation to come out of it losing friends? I was walking the walk and talking the talk I had learned 15 years prior. I focused like a laser beam on the THREE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS to running a business: PEOPLE, PRODUCT, SERVICE. According to all customer service indicators we were running on all 8 cylinders but still failing to make a profit. It was at this time I started dreaming of driving off into the sunset and leaving everything else behind.


After her last day the shop seemed different. It felt like it had an expiration date. My wife floated the idea of getting out of town for a few days. So we went to Great Smokey Mountains National Park. We had been several times before but never carrying this kind of load. My wife had made it the agenda of this trip to heal some of our hurt and to put life and our shop into perspective. 


We were driving the Cade's Cove Loop when "Guaranteed" came up on the ipod. This time the lyrics struck like a church bell, LOUD and CLEAR. 


"On bended knee is no way to be free"
This line reminds me of the saying that all of the things you own end up owning you. I was a slave to our shop. I wasn't getting anything more than great experiences and warm fuzzies out of it. It was barely paying its own rent never mind the concept of paying our mortgage or car payments.


I was done. I started drawing lines in the sand and telling myself that if there ever came a time where something or somebody wanted me to cross those lines I was going to have to evaluate my relationship to those things and people. All we have in life is US. If I crossed my lines in the sand too often and for too long I would disappear. "I" would cease to exist and my life would belong to the thing or person. Which flows into the second line...


"Lifting up an empty cup I ask silently of all my destinations will accept the one that's me. So I can breathe."



It's important to not hold judgments or prejudices over people and ourselves. I have always tried to live my life by the rule: "Trust until you're given a reason not to." I think this line also speaks to how we define who we are. We are not what we do for a living. We are not the clothes that we wear or the car we drive. Defining ourselves can be one of the most difficult challenges of our lives. It not something you can sum up in a few brief words. The definition also isn't so much a statement but more of an idea or suggestion. 


We have all had the difficult task of breaking out of someone else's definition for us. I still have people that judge me based off the immature jackass I was 10-15 years ago. Life is tough enough without that. People change. People evolve. And if they don't... so be it. That is their road to hoe not mine. Just accept them. Love them. Let them breathe.


"Circles they grow and swallow people whole. Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know."
I believe this line speaks to other people's influences over us. I have been in relationships with others that the relationship was more of a one way street rather than a two way reciprocal relationship. This is where the lines in the sand come in. 


There is a limit on how much "Give & Take" there is in every relationship. I have been on both sides. I have been the Taker and literally burned the other person out. I have been the Giver and gave and gave and gave to no avail. You cannot ask of yourself more than what you are healthily capable of doing. You must look inward and ask yourself: "If I continue to give at this rate, when does my life become theirs?" That is for each person to decide what the possible "return on investment" is going to be. Some people will give until their last breath. Some won't lift a finger. 


"A mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul. So it goes"
I learned a philosophy at a very young and impressionable age that I still operate with today. "Mirror vs Window". Its a philosophy about responsibility. I can choose to look through the "window" at all the people on the other side and place the blame on them for my current situation or I can choose to look in the "mirror" and see that the decisions I've made and the choices I chose brought me to where I am. 


I spend a lot of my time practicing deep introspection. I would probably be considered a little obsessive compulsive when it comes to how much I retrace my steps and decisions. How did I get here? What could I have done differently? What were the warning signs so that I can not repeat any mistakes? There are a lot of people that choose to blame everyone on the other side of the "window" for their circumstances. When the responsibility lies with the person they would see in the mirror. Taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions can be tough. It hurts sometimes and occasionally leaves a mark. But taking responsibility creates an atmosphere conducive to change. 


Now we come to the meat and potatoes of this song and how it changed my life. As we were driving through Cade's Cove I could feel the weight of the world crushing me. I was staring out the window of the car my eyes full of tears watching the beautiful fall colors of the Smokey Mountains pass by. I was deep in thought when Heather changed the music to this song. The acoustic guitar started and I could feel the tide come rushing in. Frustrated could barely begin to describe my feelings and thoughts about our little shop after a year was under our belts and having to let go of a friend. 


I wanted FREEDOM! Freedom from responsibility. Freedom from ownership. Freedom from obligations. Freedom from the thoughts, feelings, and emotions coursing through my head. Freedom from everything, everything, EVERYTHING! I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide. I was beat. I always tried to live and work by the rule: "Too stupid to know when to quit but smart enough to know when I'm not beaten."  I was beaten. Badly.


TO BE CONTINUED!