T-Minus

T-Minus 01:00'

Breathing has become very difficult recently. I find I can only make small gasps of air. I have lost some feeling in my extremities. I think about wiggling my toes but I'm too weak to see if they are actually wiggling. My mind is consumed with the past, especially my childhood years. Those were some of the best years of my life. Everything was new. Everything was an adventure. There were no limits to what I could or would accomplish. The world was in the palm of my hands. I remember pristine days of joy and happiness playing kickball at the cul-de-sac at the end of the street. Riding my bike with my best friend to the comicbook store. Man, I rode my bike everywhere! I would have ridden that thing to South America if I thought I had half a chance of getting out of the state. I remember playing in this gigantic construction site mudpit with all the neighborhood kids. Man, those were the days. If I could get up from where I am and hope on a bike I would ride and ride until the muscles in my legs burst through my skin and my lungs caught on fire. I would ride until I got to the beach of Cape Horn.

T-Minus 00:43'

I wish I could catch my breath. I'm starting to see these strange yet beautiful sparkles of light in the air. That or my eyes are starting to play tricks on me. I am definitely not moving my toes. I'll try again shortly but now I'm getting tired and I just want to rest. I keep thinking about my teenage years. High School! Those were and were not that much fun. There were good times and bad times. My first date. Boy, that was just an awkward mess. I ended up crying in the car after I dropped her off. She spent most of the movie looking at her watch. LAME! My first kiss. That was like getting electrocuted! I was never a part of any crowd or cliques but I had friends that understood me and I understood them. Losing my virginity was probably the most fun I had as a teenager. Even if it happened in my "late teens". Talk about something new and exciting! I was lucky to lose it to an "experienced" girl. There were no holds barred.

T-Minus 00:34'

I'm getting very sleepy. I'm feeling lightheaded from the lack of oxygen. I keep drifting in and out. I need to clear my throat but I don't really have the energy. I just need to get a little more rest but my mind keeps wandering through my early adulthood. Those were the great years. I was so strong and passionate. There wasn't a door or barrier I couldn't breakdown. I had a great job that kept me busy, out of trouble, and well paid. That also when I met the love of my life. The moment she walked through the door I just KNEW it. She looked then as she does now, like an angel, my angel. She walked straight through that door and my life was never the same. OH MY GOD the courtship was otherworldly. She had such a spirit, still does after all this time. Wisdom way beyond her years. I think she is sitting somewhere near by but this room is kind of dark. I can hear her wonderful voice calling to me. I can hear her saying my name. That's the most cherished and beautiful sound you'll ever hear, the one person you love more than any other saying your name. Or their laugh. MY GOD! I love to make her laugh. Her laugh and smile light up a cloudy day. I know its a precious commodity. I hope she knows how much she has meant to me and how very much I love her. She has always been my sunshine. I know she is talking to me but I can't quite make it out.

T-Minus 00:17'

This whole breathing thing is NOT getting any easier. Man, if anything its starting to get uncomfortable. Good news is it feels like its getting warmer in here. I still need to clear my throat. I'm going to take a little nap. My beautiful sunshine is still here with me so I'll be OK to take a quick catnap. Too bad we can't spoon. Those are the best naps when we spoon.

T-Minus 00:10'

The years I've been married have been the best. The journeys and adventures we went on. The strange and distant lands we've explored. Hell! The strange and not so distant lands we've explored. When we were together on the road, her in the driver's seat singing whatever chick-rock song she was singing, me in the passenger seat trying to keep up with the trees we were passing. I can feel her warm and gentle hand on mine now. I can see her face as she comes near to kiss me. The warmth of her breath. The softness of her lips on my forehead. Her lips tickle the tiny little hairs that grow there. I want to reach out and kiss her back but I don't think I have the strength. She keeps saying my name and talking. I can't really make out anything other than my name but I couldn't care less. Just keep saying my name sweetheart. That's all that matters.

T-Minus 00:06'
I can hear other voices in the room but I can't see any faces. This room is dark and all I can see is stars in my eyes. I can hear other people say my name but it sounds like they're calling me "Mister". I can hear my sunshine. It sounds like she is either singing or crying. I can't  tell. I can still feel her hand on mine. She squeezes my hand every onceinawhile. I want another kiss. I want to touch her skin. Her skin is so warm and soft. I've had plenty of crummy days made better by a kiss and a hug. My breaths have gotten much shallower over the last few moments and I seriously wish I could stop making that strange gurgling sound. HERE COMES MY KISS. She must have heard me but I don't think I said anything. She always know what I'm thinking.

T-Minus 00:03'
I feel very warm and comfortable. I feel as though a weight has been lifted. I feel free and light. Its gotten really quiet in the room. My sunshine still has a pretty decent grip on my hand. I wonder if I've been a good husband. Have I been a good friend? Was I a good listener? Was I a good lover? Did I say the right things at the right times? Did I apologize for anything I didn't get done? I hope I was. I hope I did. Time will tell.

T-Minus 00:02'
You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy when sky's are grey. I sang that as my wedding vows. It brought down the house. BOOYAH! My chest feels funny.

T-Minus 00:01'
You are my sunshine. My onlysunshine. Youmake me happy whenskyy's aregrey. Ifeel very... different. IthinkI know what's... happening. My beautiful wife. whatagreatlife we had together.

T-minus 00:00'60"
lotsof peoplle in the room. Ican see somewhatfamiliar faces. dude, seriously. doigotoyourbedand shinealightin youreyes? somesort ofcommotiongoingon.

T-Minus 00:00'30"
youaremysunshinemyonlysunshinemyonlysunshinesunshine...skysaregreeeey.

T-Minus 00:00'10"
The commotion has quieted down. But the room has gotten darker. I wasn't sure that was possible. What happens when I get there? Will my sunshine be there waiting for me? I hope so.

T-Minus 00:00'05"
Someone has turned on the lights... or at least a light.

T-Minus 00:00'03"
There is no pain. You are receeding. A ship's smoke on the horizon.

T-Minus 00:00'02"
I've got to find out what the deal with this light is. I'll be right back my darling. Don't worry. It looks safe. I'll be OK.

T-Minus 00:00'01"
I love you. I'll see you soon.

T-Minus 00:00'00"
Goodbye my love. You are my sunshine.My only sunshine. You've made me happy when my skies were grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I've loved you. Please don't take my sunshine away.

I sat under the stars and moon. Digging my toes into the sand, I contemplated what I wanted out of my existence, my life, my experience, my once around the bend. I listened to the waves and focused on my breathing. I quieted all the voices in my head trying to listen to The One Voice. That voice we all have but we spend too much time denying, ignoring, stuffing it down because maybe it hurts too much to dream big dreams. That voice has no ego, no pride, no hurt feelings, no obligatory needs. I picture that struggle resembles the old WWF Battle Royals I watched as a kid. Bodies flying everywhere. Chaos. Until The One Voice is the last one left in the ring.

Once I got to that place I asked myself a series of questions: What are my non-negotiables? What are the essential things I need from "life"? I meditated on that thought for many minutes when a single word popped into my head. LIVE. The hairs on my arms stood up. LIVE. I was compelled to write it in the sand. It was a full moon so I could see the shadow fall across the sand as I carved my finger through it. LIVE

I've been to "Mecca". I took the picture at the top of this post. That pile of rocks is where Henry David Thoreau's cabin once stood. That sign presents one of his purest thoughts and philosophies. He went to the woods to LIVE. To "suck the marrow out of life". I've read "Walden" several times. I've listened to the book on tape several times so going to Walden Pond was a bit of a religious experience for me. It was my "Mecca".

Sitting on the beach when the though LIVE flashed through my mind, that cabin and the words of the man that LIVED in that cabin filled me up. I want to be able to say that when I get to my eventual end that I LIVED. The bitterness and sadness that fills our hearts as we get older and those dreams we held so dear as children, teenagers, young adults turn to "quiet resignations." I'm at a point in life where I can slough off this house of crap I've toted across the country twice to dream of living in a cabin in the mountains and it be a possibility. The bankruptcy took all the things besides myself and my dear, sweet, adorable, loving wife I was responsible for. I got no house. I got no business. I got no kids. I GOT ME! I GOT HER! Fuck EVERYTHING ELSE! Pack my shit and hit the road, Jack.

When its quiet in the house I hear a quiet distant voice calling me. The voice says: "Why have you denied me your presence? Don't you understand you belong to me? You belong here with me. You belong here at the base of this mountain. You belong to the edge of this cliff. Your presence is required at the base of this tree. You are needed at the shore of this stream, on the sands of this beach. You don't belong there. Your place is here. Come now. Don't wait a single moment longer. You belong here now." Then I drift off to sleep dreaming of beautiful places I have yet to set my eyes upon.

For me that's what LIVING is. Living is not about my job or any job. Living is not about my bills or my toys. LIVING is the experience. My absolute BEST day at work or my icecream shop pales in comparison to my worst day tromping through the woods looking for new birds to spot. Similar to the wisdom from a bumper sticker about bad days fishing.

To LIVE I need to measure myself against the mountains and the woods. Against the infiniteness of the ocean. To marvel and bask in the beauty and glory that is nature. To fill each day with awe. To collapse exhausted each night from the journey.

These thoughts and ideas flushed my mind and I cried. Deep pangs tore through my heart. I want that Peak Experience again and I know where it is and it sure as hell ain't where I've been for 70 hours per week.

I settled down and focused again on the sound of the waves and my intake of salty sea air. The gentle clap of small Gulf waves set the tempo. I knew what was most important: LIVE. Now what's next? What else is vital to my becoming a fully functioning, fully engaged human BEING? What do I need? Not want. NEED! I focused on the thought as the second image came into being: CONTRIBUTE.

One of my favorite things about our hippie-dippie icecream shop was how much the community came to depend on us and how we supported them. Can you believe that because of my shop I was actually volunteering my time at an elementary school... READING TO CHILDREN!?! Yep. Big ol' scary me. I read Encyclopedia Brown mysteries to fourth graders for 30 minutes every week. Those kids were diggin' it, man!!! I was hosting kids parties. ME! I'll repeat that for those of you seating in the cheap seats way in the back. I WAS HOSTING BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR KIDS! My favorites were the 6-8 year olds. They were the easiest to get involved. They weren't scared of adults and they didn't know they looked like idiots screaming "MOOOOOOOOO!!!" at the top of their little lungs. I had a role and I played it well.

I think a large part of our issues as a society and culture is that we have lost our role in the tribe. Outside of our families most people wouldn't consider the community they live in as a part of their "tribe". Most people have no idea what their strengths and talents are so they have no idea what their role in the "tribe" should be.

Human culture has been around for a long time. Several tens of thousands of years. We have done more to advance society and culture in the past two hundred years since the Industrial Revolution than any similar sized chunk of time going back to when we were either blinked into existence or evolved out of the pond(whichever school of thought you follow). We are still at our core and in our hearts part of a large nomadic tribe of indigenous people. 200+ years ago we were still after many thousands of years an agricultural based society that relied heavily on those closest to us for support. You ate what you could grow and traded for what your neighbor grew. The spiritual leader of the community was also highly likely the "doctor". Everyone had a role. Everyone knew their role. Everyone was an important member of the tribe.

As technology speeds us along we get more distant from the things that kept the tribe together. We feel disconnected from the world, from our neighbors, from our families, and from nature. "Jobs" keep us busy and distracted. Politics, religion, and TV do a pretty damn good job of distracting us to.

To CONTRIBUTE means to be A PART. Not apart... A PART. A piece. A member. A cog. A part of something bigger than yourself. I don't have a crystal vision of what that means for me but any organization I associate myself with is going to need to have to CONTRIBUTE to their community. In an active "searching it out" kind of way not in a passive "only if they ask" kind of way.

I need to find and fill my role in the tribe. I've said before that I have this feeling of responsibility to the world around me to be a productive member of society. I NEED to fulfill that. If I deny that then I am denying ME. I believe that I have a specific role to play and when I get there, I'll be there.